Saturday, 2 February 2008


I'm sure we're all aware of the idea of body language; of various non-verbal signals that pass between us during normal conversation.

You're also probably aware of the idea that the female of the species is vastly more adept at recognising and interpreting these signals than the male. I do not know whether this idea has the status of a solid scientific theory, or if it is mere pop psychology, but for the moment let us assume it has some validity. I mean subjectively it seems right. You know, with a sampling of one - myself - you just might conclude...

Hell, let's just come right out and say it - I wouldn't recognise a non-verbal cue if it did whatever the hell non-verbal cues are supposed to do. Whatever that is. I wouldn't know, never having seen one.

What this would mean is that while we stand here talking about work, or the weather, or about a problem with your computer, there's this whole other conversation going on that I'm not even aware of. And that's not fair. Not fair at all, dammit.

What I need is some kind of cranial implant thingy that interprets all of these other signals and stuff then feeds them directly into my brain in a form that even I can understand. You know, words. But until I have one of those CITs (Cranial Implant Thingies) I am left to ponder the unknown. To wonder just what those hidden conversations might be about...

So, for the sake of wild speculation, here are a few possible scenarios that may or may not be accurate - how the hell would I know - as to what our bodies might be saying to each other with their deep, mysterious secret language.

Scenario 1: (The one I want to be true)
Me: I find you interesting.
Her: I also find you interesting.
Me: Your ideas are fascinating to me.
Her: I like your arse. Wanna get naked?
Me: Sure.

Scenario 2: (That which is most likely)
Me: I like your tits.
Her: Will you stop looking at my breasts?
Me: You're not wearing any knickers are you?
Her: Leave me alone, creep.
Me: Wanna get naked?
Her: I'm outa here!

Scenario 3: (This may also be possible. Well it might.)
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: The feeling is mutual.
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: Yes, I know. Wanna get naked?
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: Hello? Can you hear me?
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: What a moron.