Friday, 29 February 2008

More Book Reviews

by Steven Brust

Dark and stormy. Not your average Vampire novel. Lynda didn't much like it. I did much like it. Needs more sex.

The Eyre Affaire
by Jasper FForde

Thursday Next. What can I say? It's..... No, it's.... Uh.... Thursday Next. Needs more sex.....

Actually, at the risk of being overly verbose - Because let's face it, no review should be more than one paragraph - this is so offbeat I think it just created a whole new beat..... But that's no good. I will try again. This is so offbeat I think it just made scrambled eggs. Yes, much better.

by Ken Grimwood

Groundhog Day, but it's not a comedy, and it doesn't cover a single day; rather several decades. So deep and meaningful I think it just sprained an ankle. I wanted more from the ending while at the same time recognising the ending as ultimately inevitably appropriate. Needs more Ewoks.

by Maggie Furey

This is the first of four (We are Borg. You will be assimilated... Sorry.) and is incomplete. I like novels that represent a complete story even when they are part of a larger whole. Therefore I do not like this novel. I may, however, decide that I very much like The Artefacts of Power, of which this is the first part. It is certainly a good beginning. Needs more stolen hotel towels.

Armageddon's Children
by Terry Brooks

See previous review. Needs more Gummi Bears. And sex. Obviously sex. The sex goes without saying. But I will say it anyway. Needs more sex.

The Knight
by Gene Wolfe

First let me just say that, as author of The Book of the New Sun, Gene Wolfe can do no wrong. No, really, The Book of the New Sun is really that good. Now, as far as The Knight goes, see previous two reviews. Needs more NOTHING WHATSOEVER, because this is Gene Wolfe, and he wrote The Book of the New Sun.

The astute among you may realise that I am now in the middle of three incomplete stories. On the surface this seems less than ideal, but what you need to realise is that I have an enormous intellect just bursting with brilliant brain thingies and totally in tune with the universe and so, you see, I will have no trouble at all keeping track of all these different characters and stories and stuff. But thanks for your concern. Really, I'm touched. Now sod off before I go getting all emotional like.

Friday, 8 February 2008

Book Review Time

Prelude to Dune: House Atreides
by Brian Herbert & Kevin J Anderson

Reminiscent of Dune, but lacking that quality, whatever it is, that made Dune special. Needs more sex.

by Sara Douglas

Deeply flawed. Begins poorly, improves significantly, then completely falls apart somewhere around halfway. The final battle against the big bad is laughably easy. Needs more sex.

by Stephen Bury

300 pages too long. Needs more sex.

Dark Moon
by David Gemmell

Now this is more like it. Quite good. Intense. Needs more sex.

by David Zindell

Magnificent, once you get over the fact that every second word is a made-up one. 20 - 50 pages too short. Needs more sex, and less incest.

Saturday, 2 February 2008


I'm sure we're all aware of the idea of body language; of various non-verbal signals that pass between us during normal conversation.

You're also probably aware of the idea that the female of the species is vastly more adept at recognising and interpreting these signals than the male. I do not know whether this idea has the status of a solid scientific theory, or if it is mere pop psychology, but for the moment let us assume it has some validity. I mean subjectively it seems right. You know, with a sampling of one - myself - you just might conclude...

Hell, let's just come right out and say it - I wouldn't recognise a non-verbal cue if it did whatever the hell non-verbal cues are supposed to do. Whatever that is. I wouldn't know, never having seen one.

What this would mean is that while we stand here talking about work, or the weather, or about a problem with your computer, there's this whole other conversation going on that I'm not even aware of. And that's not fair. Not fair at all, dammit.

What I need is some kind of cranial implant thingy that interprets all of these other signals and stuff then feeds them directly into my brain in a form that even I can understand. You know, words. But until I have one of those CITs (Cranial Implant Thingies) I am left to ponder the unknown. To wonder just what those hidden conversations might be about...

So, for the sake of wild speculation, here are a few possible scenarios that may or may not be accurate - how the hell would I know - as to what our bodies might be saying to each other with their deep, mysterious secret language.

Scenario 1: (The one I want to be true)
Me: I find you interesting.
Her: I also find you interesting.
Me: Your ideas are fascinating to me.
Her: I like your arse. Wanna get naked?
Me: Sure.

Scenario 2: (That which is most likely)
Me: I like your tits.
Her: Will you stop looking at my breasts?
Me: You're not wearing any knickers are you?
Her: Leave me alone, creep.
Me: Wanna get naked?
Her: I'm outa here!

Scenario 3: (This may also be possible. Well it might.)
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: The feeling is mutual.
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: Yes, I know. Wanna get naked?
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: Hello? Can you hear me?
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: What a moron.