Sunday, 11 May 2008

Do You Remember When...

Sha la la la.

Saturday, 10 May 2008

Do you remember where your towel is?

"Here the man in blue crimplene accosted us once more but we patiently explained to him that he could fuck off."
- Douglas Adams

May Book Reviews

The Anubis Gates
by Tim Powers

Dark and inevitably predictable and sometimes it seems as though he is trying to be funny, although he never quite manages that. But where's the sex? Come on Timmy - get it together man. Would a little titillation kill you? (Giggles childishly: I said tit.) Despite the disturbing lack of sex I thoroughly enjoyed The Anubis Gates.

Legends of Dune (The Butlerian Jihad, The Machine Crusade, The Battle of Corrin)
by Brian Herbert and Kevin J Anderson

I can't recommend this series. Yes, I enjoyed it, because it is Dune. But I can't recommend it, because I found myself thinking "How did that line get past the editor" too damn many times, and because it seems to be trying too hard to provide a genesis for absolutely every situation and group and stuff in the later books. Does everything have to begin here, ten thousand years before the events in Dune? Also, needs more sex.

Saturday, 12 April 2008

Some More Book Reviews

The Artefacts of Power (Aurian, Harp of Winds, The Sword of Flame, Dhiammara)
by Maggie Furey

I quite enjoyed this series, however there are a couple of minor quibbles.
1. It is approximately 1500 pages too long.
2. Needs more sex.

Prelude to Dune (House Atreides, House Harkonnen, House Corrino)
by Brian Herbert and Kevin J Anderson

Harkonnen is the best of them, Corrino probably the weakest (in which everybody seems pathetically incompetent). Overall an enjoyable read, particularly the good bits. The bad bits are not such a good read. Some of the bits are less good than others. Needs more sex.

The Word and the Void (Running With the Demon, A Knight of the Word, Angel Fire East)
by Terry Brooks

Far and away - no question about it - absolutely the very best series called "The Word and the Void" Terry Brooks has ever written. No other series by that name has even come close. However it does suffer from a startling and inexplicable shortage of really high quality humping. It is almost as though this is a near-future apocalyptic tale of darkness and magic and demons and humanity on the brink of..., and not some kind of cheap porn.

Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys
by Dave Barry

A bit too serious for me. For example: "Guys are exactly like tapeworms, except for being slightly less likely to help with the dishes." Needs more sex. PS Don't forget to fart.

Thursday, 10 April 2008


Vila: I may be Grade Four Ignorant, but I'm not stupid.

--- Blake's 7

Monday, 31 March 2008

Told You So

Didn't I fucking tell you? Well, didn't I?
But did you believe me? Did you?

I am sooooooo fucking superior.

Friday, 29 February 2008

More Book Reviews

by Steven Brust

Dark and stormy. Not your average Vampire novel. Lynda didn't much like it. I did much like it. Needs more sex.

The Eyre Affaire
by Jasper FForde

Thursday Next. What can I say? It's..... No, it's.... Uh.... Thursday Next. Needs more sex.....

Actually, at the risk of being overly verbose - Because let's face it, no review should be more than one paragraph - this is so offbeat I think it just created a whole new beat..... But that's no good. I will try again. This is so offbeat I think it just made scrambled eggs. Yes, much better.

by Ken Grimwood

Groundhog Day, but it's not a comedy, and it doesn't cover a single day; rather several decades. So deep and meaningful I think it just sprained an ankle. I wanted more from the ending while at the same time recognising the ending as ultimately inevitably appropriate. Needs more Ewoks.

by Maggie Furey

This is the first of four (We are Borg. You will be assimilated... Sorry.) and is incomplete. I like novels that represent a complete story even when they are part of a larger whole. Therefore I do not like this novel. I may, however, decide that I very much like The Artefacts of Power, of which this is the first part. It is certainly a good beginning. Needs more stolen hotel towels.

Armageddon's Children
by Terry Brooks

See previous review. Needs more Gummi Bears. And sex. Obviously sex. The sex goes without saying. But I will say it anyway. Needs more sex.

The Knight
by Gene Wolfe

First let me just say that, as author of The Book of the New Sun, Gene Wolfe can do no wrong. No, really, The Book of the New Sun is really that good. Now, as far as The Knight goes, see previous two reviews. Needs more NOTHING WHATSOEVER, because this is Gene Wolfe, and he wrote The Book of the New Sun.

The astute among you may realise that I am now in the middle of three incomplete stories. On the surface this seems less than ideal, but what you need to realise is that I have an enormous intellect just bursting with brilliant brain thingies and totally in tune with the universe and so, you see, I will have no trouble at all keeping track of all these different characters and stories and stuff. But thanks for your concern. Really, I'm touched. Now sod off before I go getting all emotional like.

Friday, 8 February 2008

Book Review Time

Prelude to Dune: House Atreides
by Brian Herbert & Kevin J Anderson

Reminiscent of Dune, but lacking that quality, whatever it is, that made Dune special. Needs more sex.

by Sara Douglas

Deeply flawed. Begins poorly, improves significantly, then completely falls apart somewhere around halfway. The final battle against the big bad is laughably easy. Needs more sex.

by Stephen Bury

300 pages too long. Needs more sex.

Dark Moon
by David Gemmell

Now this is more like it. Quite good. Intense. Needs more sex.

by David Zindell

Magnificent, once you get over the fact that every second word is a made-up one. 20 - 50 pages too short. Needs more sex, and less incest.

Saturday, 2 February 2008


I'm sure we're all aware of the idea of body language; of various non-verbal signals that pass between us during normal conversation.

You're also probably aware of the idea that the female of the species is vastly more adept at recognising and interpreting these signals than the male. I do not know whether this idea has the status of a solid scientific theory, or if it is mere pop psychology, but for the moment let us assume it has some validity. I mean subjectively it seems right. You know, with a sampling of one - myself - you just might conclude...

Hell, let's just come right out and say it - I wouldn't recognise a non-verbal cue if it did whatever the hell non-verbal cues are supposed to do. Whatever that is. I wouldn't know, never having seen one.

What this would mean is that while we stand here talking about work, or the weather, or about a problem with your computer, there's this whole other conversation going on that I'm not even aware of. And that's not fair. Not fair at all, dammit.

What I need is some kind of cranial implant thingy that interprets all of these other signals and stuff then feeds them directly into my brain in a form that even I can understand. You know, words. But until I have one of those CITs (Cranial Implant Thingies) I am left to ponder the unknown. To wonder just what those hidden conversations might be about...

So, for the sake of wild speculation, here are a few possible scenarios that may or may not be accurate - how the hell would I know - as to what our bodies might be saying to each other with their deep, mysterious secret language.

Scenario 1: (The one I want to be true)
Me: I find you interesting.
Her: I also find you interesting.
Me: Your ideas are fascinating to me.
Her: I like your arse. Wanna get naked?
Me: Sure.

Scenario 2: (That which is most likely)
Me: I like your tits.
Her: Will you stop looking at my breasts?
Me: You're not wearing any knickers are you?
Her: Leave me alone, creep.
Me: Wanna get naked?
Her: I'm outa here!

Scenario 3: (This may also be possible. Well it might.)
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: The feeling is mutual.
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: Yes, I know. Wanna get naked?
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: Hello? Can you hear me?
Me: I find you attractive.
Her: What a moron.

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Again, Somewhere.

I stand beside myself and wait for me to say something clever. Somehow it seems this may be a long wait.

But no matter - I have an impressive array of despairs to amuse and bemuse and re-use. And why not? Is this future any less valid than those of my past? I sink into an accumulation of failures. Wallow. There is comfort here.

But wait; it appears I am about to speak! I sense in this moment the needs of the other, and am for an instant not alone. The breeze holds itself in anticipation.

"U..." mumbles the me, and I laugh at the futility of it all. Can he not manage an entire "Um", or "Uh..." or whatever banal utterance perched incomplete on the edge of a brain multitasked beyond the limits of human need.

The trees sigh their disappointment. Somewhere a car. Somewhere a television. Other things carried on the night provide far more amusement than the fool at my side.

"Well," I say, masterfully, "Bye then." And watching - internally raging, and laughing, and despairing - I see myself turn and leave. I notice, not for the first time, that the path is cracked and broken and black with mould.

On my lips there is a smile of sorts, and the observer understands it; for though the path may be rubble, it is at least familiar.

Sunday, 20 January 2008


The holidays were good for us,
But they are over now.
May we strive for the wisdom to avoid the destructive patterns,
To forge new patterns from new experiences,
And from past experiences reawakened.

Also, can you pass the remote please. I think there's something on the other channel.