Because that wide angle plastic lens on your phone is just perfect for portraits...
But I'm sure you're all wondering how I got such a great picture. First, shoot in a dark room, lit only by the computer monitor. Don't worry, 640x480 is a perfect resolution. All you get, however, is a washed-out, somewhat underexposed image.
At this point you're tempted to fire up the photo editor and increase the brightness. This is exactly the wrong thing to do. Instead, decrease the brightness, increase contrast, decrease brighness a bit more, until you get something brilliant and moody like this... Ok, maybe not "brilliant and moody", so much as, you know, complete crap.
Anyway... Anyway, thanks to my razor-sharp wit, I can easily get out of this massive disaster of a post with my dignity intact. All I need to do invent some mind-bogglingly clever line to finish on so you'll all forget about that other mindless drivel - you know, just up there a bit.
So, here goes... the really neat ending... Uh.... bugger.