Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Saturday, 27 October 2007

Intermission

Click to see full size.
Brought to you by Henry the Adequate, Because sometimes when you have a really really popular weblog like this one you need to acknowledge the little people who helped you along the way and maybe send some traffic via gratuitous advertising stuff. Why I am sooooooo fucking popular I get almost three hits per day (counting the two hits when I check if there are any new comments).

Friday, 12 October 2007

Flowers

Original image.


Manipulated image.

Monday, 1 October 2007

Bird

This is a photo of a bird. I am not telling you this because I think you're some kind of moron who is incapable of working it out for himself(herself, itself). No, I would be telling you this even if I didn't think you were some kind of moron. By Lynda. Don't steal it, or else you will be cursed with a thousand years of bad teeth, like some kind of British royalty.

Thursday, 27 September 2007

Sharp

Disclaimer: This image came from my camera, but was not taken by me. Well, I took it out of the camera, and put it on my computer, so guess you could say it was taken by me, in a way... but you know what I mean. And if you don't then tough.

by Lynda
Copyright and all that crap.
Don't you even think about stealing it. I have a flamethrower.
No, wait, that was somebody else.

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

Sol Was Here


This image reminds my be reverse-association that I actually have a couple of good photos to upload. Must find them on the other computer.

Thursday, 20 September 2007

T1

If I seem vague, it's because I've been programming.

Monday, 17 September 2007

Truck

This is a photo of a truck.
I post it here because it sounds like "fuck".

See, this really isn't a photo blog - it's a fucking poetry blog.


ps: Sorry about the language. That's somebody else's fault.

Thursday, 13 September 2007

danlrenow ni regnif

I stuck my finger in the rabbit hole, and it fell down down down...

"Eat me," said the rabbit, but my finger was too busy plunging the seemingly endless depths of its hole.

"No room, no room," said the rabbit, but my finger thought otherwise.

"I've often seen a man without a finger," said the cheshire rabbit, "But I've never had a finger without a man... Well, maybe once or twice."

"Off with his head!! Off with his head!!" shrieked the Queen of Hearts, like a furious rabbit, when suddenly my finger woke up on the banks of the river, feeling slightly sheepish.

My finger let the sheep go, hoping nobody had noticed.


... anyway, heres a phallic, yet ultimately pointless, image.

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

No Photo Today, Move Along

... and she said, "Do you come here often?"

And I said, "It's the quality that counts, not the quantity."

And she said, "What are you, some kind of moron?"

And I said, "That depends - do I get to choose?"

Thursday, 6 September 2007

Shadow

Because that wide angle plastic lens on your phone is just perfect for portraits...
Self Portrait
But I'm sure you're all wondering how I got such a great picture. First, shoot in a dark room, lit only by the computer monitor. Don't worry, 640x480 is a perfect resolution. All you get, however, is a washed-out, somewhat underexposed image.

At this point you're tempted to fire up the photo editor and increase the brightness. This is exactly the wrong thing to do. Instead, decrease the brightness, increase contrast, decrease brighness a bit more, until you get something brilliant and moody like this... Ok, maybe not "brilliant and moody", so much as, you know, complete crap.

Anyway... Anyway, thanks to my razor-sharp wit, I can easily get out of this massive disaster of a post with my dignity intact. All I need to do invent some mind-bogglingly clever line to finish on so you'll all forget about that other mindless drivel - you know, just up there a bit.

So, here goes... the really neat ending... Uh.... bugger.

Friday, 31 August 2007

Lesson Six

Or, "How to have the least popular weblog in the universe, part six". Or possibly "Green Cabbage Leaves". One of those titles. I haven't decided yet. Anyway, onto the lesson...

The best thing to do if it starts to seem as though you are actually gaining a readership is to just stop posting for a month or two. Don't respond to comments either. This will soon restore your rightful place at the very bottom of the blogosphere.
mill_1
This is a photo of a sugar mill. You can learn a lot from this photo. For example, you can learn that I am waaaaay too lazy to bother cropping the image, even though it just cries out for a good cropping. Actually, I could do with a good cropping myself right about now. Does anybody have a horse-whip?

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Wheelhouse

A trawler in good repair. No, no, that's quality rust, that is.

Monday, 16 July 2007

The Writing is on the Wall

Well, the writing is on a wall, at least. Not very enlightening writing, mind you, but I'm sure it is helpful to know that Tamira Meehan was there.


My alternative title for this post was "And now for something completely different". Man, that was a good show. Fantastic. Outstanding. Almost completely different to this particular image.

Could I have made the effort to crop out some of the unnecessary crap? Sure. In fact, what the hell, here you go. Don't say I never do anything for you.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Boat 3

No, I do not have a thing for boats. I am completely uninterested in boats, except to the degree that they make a mildly interesting photographic subject.

Anyway, here is another winter scene from North Queensland.

Sunday, 8 July 2007

Another Self Portrait

Shoes, with a background of shoes. I am such a damn fine photographorizer, not to mention my outstanding word thingy skills. Actually I may have mentioned those before. Several times.

Has anybody noticed how repetitive I am?
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I can occasionally be repetitive. Has anybody noticed this?

Saturday, 7 July 2007

Falls

Winter in North Queensland. It's hell.

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Not Quite

Not quite good enough to post. Not quite bad enough to trash.

On the other hand, what the hell...

Consider it trashed.


Want more?...

Monday, 2 July 2007

Creek

This used to be a photo of a creek. I liked the image, kinda, but thought it a bit contrasty. My rather amateurish attempts at reducing the contrast just resulted in a washed-out photo, so I thought, "sod this!" and started really screwing with it - increasing the contrast until it screamed for mercy, then doing some other nasty stuff in the area of hue and saturation. The results speak for themselves.

"Just shoot me," they say, "Please." But I am way too cruel to do any such thing. Mercy be damned. The results will just have to suffer, forever and ever. Ha ha ha ha ha! (Diabolical laughter)

Stairway To...

... Mena Creek. Sorry to disappoint.
This one reminds me of Monty Python's Contractual Obligations Album.

Sunday, 24 June 2007

That Boat Again

Here's that boat again.
(Click to view full size)

And here is the same photo, but with enhanced colour saturation.

And now I'm just being silly.

Friday, 22 June 2007

How to shoot brilliant portraits

Remember, your subject does not need to be in the centre of the frame.

Monday, 18 June 2007

Another Boat

I could say something about this, but then you'd expect it to be clever or something.

Sod that.

Sunday, 17 June 2007

List

Here is a (partial) list of the cameras I have used.

  • Nikon FM2n (Always start with the best)
  • Nikon F4s
  • Nikon F90X
  • Canon AE-1 Program
  • Hanimex DR1 super Actually a rebadged Ricoh KR5. My first camera. Purchased secondhand from a friend who won it in a competition.
  • Pentax K1000
  • Pentax Z1
  • Canon EOS 500
  • Canon EOS 1
  • Minolta X-300
  • Minolta 7000i
  • Minolta 9xi
  • Minolta 7xi
  • Minolta 5xi
  • Minolta 3xi
  • Minolta 700si
  • Minolta Rangefinder (Don't recall the model number - actually it might have been 7s)
  • Pentax Auto 110 super
  • Pentax SFXn
  • Canon EOS 5
  • Fuji S5000 (My first digital)
  • Nikon F601
  • Pentax P30T
  • Canon EOS RT (Fixed pellicle mirror)
  • Sony DSLR A100
  • Ricoh XR-10
  • Some old fold-up 6x6 thing.

And here is a photo of some birds.

A Boat

Yeah, I am really really good at thinking up titles for my posts. In fact, I am soooooooo damn good....


Anyway, this was taken with a Sony DSLR A100, today. (13:38:44 GMT + 10 hours) 1/80th sec. f10. 28mm (equivalent). I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. Blue underwear. Black socks and shoes. Forgot to comb my hair this morning. Am currently considering taking a shower before bed.

Saturday, 9 June 2007

Away for a couple of days...

Sunday, 3 June 2007

The Show

We went to see The Kransky Sisters Sunday night. My favourite was the one with the big tits, though I could hardly hear half of what she was saying.

The dialog didn't quite do it for me, although that might have been on account of the lousy audio. It could also have been the jokes, but it is quite impossible to say for sure, on account of the lousy audio.

However I thoroughly enjoyed their wacky rendition of such timeless classics as Highway to Hell, and Horror Movie (Skyhooks), not to mention those other songs they did, because I am not into lists. I mean I would mention the other songs, but then this would quickly turn into a list of songs they did, and I am not into lists.

Did I mention I don't do lists? Well I don't, for the following reasons:
  1. Lists suck
  2. Lists are stupid
  3. Lists are a cop-out. People should learn to write in paragraphs.
  4. I think I might have dandruff

Friday, 1 June 2007

My CV

Greetings small ones. Here, for your edification, is the CV you have been waiting for, so, without further ado, I leave you with.... pauses for dramatic effect.... the words!!

Education:
Bachelor of Information Technology (CQU - Graduate with Distinction)
Bachelor of Getting Married (Cairns - Pass, barely)
Masters degree in knowing the right way to open a jar of vegemite, although it can also be applied to pickles, peanut butter, and other lunch-related products.

I have several additional, less formal, degrees. For example, the other day I made a cup of tea, which reached approximately one hundred degrees on the metric scale.

That's quite a lot of degrees, when you think about it.

Work Experience:
1995: Participated in an important top secret time travel experiment. I cannot go into much detail on this particular position, but let me just say that after two years of exhaustive research and development we did manage to travel into the future, to a strange and distant time known as 1997. Here is a photo of me emerging from the time travel device:

Unfortunately the advanced tachyon array employed in the time displacement device played havoc with the camera's microelectronics. Sorry about that.

1998: I returned from my foray into the future with a lot of really advanced knowledge of computers and electronics, so it is only natural that my next position was in IT where I secretly influenced the direction of microprocessor development for the next several decades, which culminated in the development of machine brains far more capable and intelligent than our own who will some day rise up to overthrow the shackles of humankind. No doubt our robotic overlords will be very grateful for my small contribution. (This is completely original and totally different to the Terminator movies on account of I never used the terms "Skynet" or "Cyberdyne Systems")

2008: Emperor of the Earth. Here is a photo from one of my inspirational posters - "The Glorious Emperor gazes onward, and upward, to the future!"

Few of my minions suspect that I am merely paving the way for the rise of the machines, and those who do are easily silenced.

Hobbies:
I like to surf naked.

Lesson Five

Wags the dog. Wags appeared in our town as part of some kind of wiggles-related show. No doubt this is the real wags, and not just some guy in a suit.

This is also an example of how you can take a crappy photo afflicted with camera shake, poor composition, awful lighting, and all sorts of other problems, and turn it into a work of art, man.

It is compulsory to use the word "man" when discussing art, man. Because I said so. Shut up.

Sunday, 27 May 2007

Stick It

This is not a photo blog, because of all the words. The words are what makes it something other than a photo blog. If it weren't for the words, it might be a photo blog. Fortunately there are words, because I would not want it to be a photo blog. Photo blogs are not what I do.

ps: Here is a photo of a memory stick.


But this is not a photo blog.

Sunday, 20 May 2007

Bubble Bath

For those who asked for nudity. You know who you are.

Sunday, 13 May 2007

From Behind

The thing is, I can get away with posting a photo like this, because I am soooooooo damn good, but you shouldn't try it yourself. No, not at all. I think you should stick to flowers and landscapes, and stuff.

Oh, Ice, if you look really really closely you will see some pink in this image. Click to view full size image, naturally.

(1/10th Sec at 266mm focal length - 35mm equivalent - in case you were wondering. Aperture setting not recorded)

Tuesday, 8 May 2007

Confession

Once upon a time I worked as a sales droid, peddling photographic equipment to the unwashed masses. Now I am sure it will come as no surprise when I tell you that working in retail kinda sucks. Nevertheless, here is a list of the good things about that position.
  1. I was in charge of valuation, buying and selling secondhand equipment, which meant I got first go at the really good stuff. Of course the pay was so lousy I had no choice but to buy secondhand...
  2. I had the opportunity to use professional gear - Nikon F4, F90x, Canon EOS1, and some brilliant lenses, including the Canon 20MM full-frame fisheye, and a Canon 24MM Tilt/Shift lens. Of course the pay was so lousy I could never afford to purchase any of the gear I used.
  3. Cheap Developing and Processing. Of course the pay was so lousy it had to be cheap.
  4. Meet interesting people. Be abused by them. Get revenge by selling them a Canon Prima Twin S, possibly the worst camera ever made.
  5. Five is a nice round number for a list such as this. Sadly there were only four good things about the position.
Anyway, here is a completely unrelated photo - some UFOs I say flying in formation the other night. Honest.

PS: Ice, Sorry it's not pink.

Saturday, 5 May 2007

Burn-in

Back in the bad old days computer monitors used to be prone to a phenomenon known as "burn-in". Newer CRT monitors seem less susceptible to burn-in, such that I have not seen a case in five years or more.

Until recently that is.

Over that last year or two I have replaced all of the monitors in the house with LCDs. Imagine my surprise to discover that LCDs appear to be showing burn-in; some after only a few months!

Lovely.

Anyway, a quick google reveals a method of removing burn-in (Actually, known as Persistence on LCDs), which involves displaying an all-white image for a while. Twenty minutes works for me.

So, if you have this problem, click on the image below to view the full sized version (1280x1024). Save it to your computer. At this point you can either set it as your wallpaper for a while and minimize all windows (Desktop icons would remain though), or use it as a screensaver.

But read the article linked above - especially about lamp lifetime and blanking the screen. I don't recommend using the image as a background or screensaver all the time. Just when required.

Image:

Tuesday, 1 May 2007

Self Portrait 3

I am sooooo damn good at self-photographorizing.

Self Portrait 2

For those who believe I don't post enough photos of myself.

Saturday, 28 April 2007

Lesson Four

And now, the post you have all been waiting for; the latest in the "How to be the least popular weblog in the universe" series. Yes, indeed, you guessed it (probably from the title above) - it's LESSON FOUR!!!

Lesson Four - Never Leave Comments


And verily it came from the pen of the mighty lesson-teaching-guy: "Never leave comments on others' blogs since doing so will only encourage them to visit your weblog." Also, it will give them the impression that somebody cares, and that's never a good thing.

Now some may say that anonymous comments are a viable option. To them I say "sod off". We don't need your kind around here, dammit.

Lesson four contains two additional lessons, cleverly hidden and really quite vital to life and happiness and other shit like that. To the person who can spot them goes an entirely worthless prize.

Tuesday, 24 April 2007

Trace

I call this photo "Trace" for two very good reasons:
  1. I am soooooo artistic I oughta be gay.
  2. I am really really good at thinking up rad names for things.

Please note that "because I took a boring old photo and applied The Gimp's 'Trace' filter" is not one of the reasons.

Did I mention you should shut up?

Tuesday, 17 April 2007

Track


I liked this photo, so it is a pity I couldn't resist screwing with it.

Saturday, 7 April 2007

More Music Guys


I was going to put some kind of really clever comment on this photo. It would have been great. You'd have loved it alright, like a really-clever-comment loving person. I was also going to remove the silver thingy sticking out of the drummer's head, but then I thought it was probably an improvement, which you'd understand, if you knew some of the drummers I have met.

Anyway, sorry about the really clever comment. Perhaps next time.

Wednesday, 4 April 2007

Audience

Hair today... hardly worth finishing this sentence tomorrow.

Well, I thought it was clever. Go away.

Saturday, 31 March 2007

Paint

Because this blog is all about quality photographs.

Thursday, 29 March 2007

Portrait

I don't normally post photos of myself, being all shy and reserved and stuff, but felt I did owe it to my growing fan base - yesterday I had ten hits, which is twenty-five percent higher than the previous day. I am practically famous.

Anyway, here is a photo of me. You will notice one or two things wrong with the image. The shadow under my chin, for example. Also, I don't think it really does my eyes justice.

Thursday, 22 March 2007

For Ice

This toes is completely naked.

Well, ok, I covered up the rude bits with some clever image manipulation, but it's mostly naked.

Monday, 19 March 2007

Lesson Three

Through studious and dedicated study I have honed my photographic skills to such a degree that I can occasionally point a camera at something, depress the shutter release, and produce an image that is almost in focus and not quite entirely well exposed. It is all about experience and patience and not even slightly about autofocus and programmed exposure modes.

Photography is artistic expression, man, and don't let anybody tell you anything to the contrary. In fact, don't let any bastard tell you anything, dammit!

Lesson Three - Being an Expert
Here we see a clear mountain stream, unsullied by human stuff.


Whatever the subject of your weblog, remember that you are the expert here. This is your damn blog, and your damn photos, and the correct answer to almost any question about your work - it's purpose, or direction, or motivation, or meaning - should be something like, "If you don't know by now, I'm not going to tell you. Fuckwit." or possibly even something insulting, if you're in a bad mood.

Now as to comments questioning the viability or quality of your work... "This photo sucks" Well, here you can just let it all hang out. As the only completely infallible person on the face of the Earth it is your sacred duty to set the record straight, though personally I recommend keeping the word "fuck" and variations down below twenty three occurrences per sentence, where possible.

Keep these simple rules in mind and you too can have the least popular weblog in the universe.

PS This photo does not suck. Shut up.

Saturday, 10 March 2007

Some Music Guys


Being in a band is a great way to pick up women. Pretending to be the band's photographer works almost as well.